Wedding Day disasters? The stuff of nightmares! What's the worst that could happen at yours. Have a look below.
Capricorn (21 Dec - 20 Jan)
Ah! control freak. The general vibe of your wedding will be a heady mix of traditional-meets-royal and the general feeling of being put to sleep. You’ll almost pop a blood vessel trying to make sure everything goes exactly how you planned it when you were 3 years old – and unfortunately you will fail, because things will fall apart. You’ll think you and your spouse look like Prince William and fellow Cap Kate Middleton on your big day, which will annoy your guests highly, because you two actually look like posers. Speaking of annoying, your vows (which in true Capricorn style will be void of any emotion) will put everyone to sleep. As payback, you’ll make a mental note of everyone who does fall asleep – and you will ice them out. Forever. But you won’t know that that’s all they’ve been praying for anyway.
Aquarius (20 Jan - 18 Feb)
Your wedding will be like the circus just rolled into town. Actually, you’ll probably get married in a circus lot because you think you’re an eccentric, free-thinker. You’re not eccentric nor free, nor a thinker, just by the way. You’re just strange. Very, very strange – and that’s how people will feel at your wedding. You’ll walk down the aisle barefoot with a Guatemalan beer in your hand, yelling “save the sea turtle” at your shocked guests, because what’s more ‘fringe’ than that? Unfortunately, everyone will think you are out of your mind. Which you are. Luckily no one will walk out of your wedding. Everyone will stay just to see how the wheels come off, because they sure will. In spectacular fashion even.
Pisces (18 Feb - 20 March)
You’ll weep the whole week leading up to your wedding, because love is beautiful and you’re glad to have finally found the one. But guess what? All that unnecessary wailing will obviously ruin your wedding photos. Hello puffy eyes! You’ll probably start drinking at 4 AM on your big day to “calm your nerves” but you won’t fool anyone. Everyone around you already knows that’s just the legendary Pisces drinking-problem jumping out. You’ll think using candles as your mood lighting is a brilliant idea, until the venue catches fire. Your spouse will disappear for half the night because they will be tired of your tears and your general wedding day drunkenness
Aries (20 march - 20 April)
The only thing people will want at your wedding, is for it to be over. And that’s a shame because you will have spent so much money putting it together. Everyone will roll their eyes internally when you recite your vows because how attention-seeking and dramatic? You’ll shout about every single thing – from how cold the food is, to how much the minister lacks charisma. As a result, the waitrons working your wedding will spit in your food. The bartenders, on the other hand, will water down all the drinks, as payback. You’ll still get royally wasted and embarrass yourself (like you always do) at the reception though, because 1). You have no chill whatsoever and 2). You can’t handle your liquor. Even if it’s been diluted with water.
Taurus (20 April - 21 May)
You’ll try very hard to make sure your big day screams “wealth” even though everyone knows all you have to your name is credit card debt and a taste for the good life. But you deserve nice things, right? You’ll probably get to your wedding late because you’re the laziest person in the world. When a tropical thunderstorm hits mid-ceremony and everyone has to be moved indoors, you will stubbornly insist that it’s only a light drizzle and it will pass. You’ll sit alone eating cake in the rain catching pneumonia while your guests and your spouse look out in disbelief from the great hall.
Gemini (21 May - 22 June)
People will RSVP and then not pitch because um… how do we put this? They hate your guts. If your “friends” come (they’re not really your friends - they hate you) it’ll only be because they can’t wait to see the woman or man brave enough to marry a piece of work such as yourself. Oh and also, the free booze. They’ll definitely come for the free booze. You’ll be chatty throughout the ceremony and everyone will hate it because who even talks that much about nothing? What your spouse will hate the most however, is that all your exes will be present. So will your gaggle of current flings.
Cancer (21 June - 22 July)
You will spend the whole week leading up to your wedding trying to convince your partner to not cancel the wedding. You will cook, take care of your lover (read: smother them to the point of cutting off their circulation) and generally be Cancer-clingy until the moment you walk down the aisle. Once that’s over and done with, you will comfortably switch back to moody, miserable crab mode – and your spouse will regret their decision immediately. You’ll slip into something sensual later, but wedding night nice things will be a non-starter because you will be questioning, probing and being sensitive about perceived slights you “noticed earlier.”
Leo (22 July - 23 August)
You’ll believe your wedding is the hottest ticket of the year in your social circle, but the truth of it all is no one really wants to come. Because you think the sun shoots out of your nethers and all eyes should be on you at all times, you will go out of your way to pick the most garish wedding outfit you can lay your hands on. All eyes will be on you alright, but not for the reasons you’d like. People will just be trying to figure out how you managed to do the ‘step’ down the aisle with your head stuck so far up your laurels (which obviously means your eyes are in there too). If you could, you’d push your spouse out of the pictures, but since that would be considered selfish, you’ll while away time sitting on your throne at the main table, casting a proud eye over everything. You’ll be convinced everyone thinks you’re a regal lion scanning their territory. But truth is, you actually remind everyone of a desperate sphinx cat that has too much time on their hands.
Virgo (23 Aug - 23 September)
You’ll spend your whole wedding day painfully obsessing about all the things that could go wrong, as well as possible fixes, should said things go wrong. You will analyse every single thing about your wedding with hopes of making it better next time, without realizing there won’t be a next time. This will cause you major anxiety and you will want to hide away all day. But the show must go on. And the show will be boring and bland. The only thing people will remember about your wedding is that everything was clean and neatly organised.
Libra (23 September - 22 October)
You will be highly offended when everyone shows up to your wedding dressed to the nines, because who would dare upstage you? But because you’re shallow, a tiny part of you will be glad everyone made an effort. Too bad you don’t deserve it. You’ll shoot dirty looks at the cute 3-year-old flower girl who made everyone “Aaaw” when she bounded down the aisle, as toddlers do, all day long, because “IT’S MY WEDDING DAY, not hers!” Luckily, you get a special shot at all eyes being on you when that same 3-year-old pukes all over your second gown at the reception, because she’s had too many sweeties.
Scorpio (23 October - 22 November)
Everyone you invited to your wedding won’t pitch because people find you very, very weird. That means you’ll be celebrating your nuptials with just your spouse (who will also be quietly questioning what they are doing here), the 91-year-old organist who is deaf in one ear and your jailbird cousin. You’ll act like everything is okay, but deep inside you will be seething and plotting revenge, which you will get even if it takes you 40 years. Luckily, you already have a stash of dolls and pins in your attic, that should do the job.
Saggitarius (22 November - 21 December)
Your wedding will probably be a haphazardly put together disaster of a spectacle. But you won’t mind one bit because you didn’t want to get married anyway. Your venue will be filled to the brim with “friends” who are actually people that walked in from the street after seeing a commotion. You won’t want to spend too much time with the spouse because your crew is there and there is fun to be had. You will flit from table to table “saying hi” and generally annoying people who are tired of seeing your face. The food at your wedding will be a disaster – and it will run out. Everyone will hate you for wasting their time.
Wedding Bashers is broadcast on M-Net channel 101 every Sunday night at 18:00. Watch interviews with our Bashers and bridal couples from The Wedding Bash(ers) here. Follow the conversation on social media using #WeddingBashers.